dear daughters (9 questions to ask your fiancé)
dear daughters … is a series where I talk to my girls about stuff. I’d like to invite you to talk about stuff too. Today, let’s talk about the things you should ask a guy before you get married.
Yes, I know. Neither of you are engaged yet.
But with your brother getting married next week (!!!) it has me thinking about when you’ll get married too. And gosh, since Will and Amy met + dated + became engaged in just over a year, it made me realize when it’s right ~ things move fast.
Before I get started with this list, I need to say something.
There is NOTHING your dad and I wouldn’t do or discuss to make sure you’re marrying the right guy. Even if it’s awkward. And even if it’s terrifying for your groom-to-be. It’s not that we’re trying to scare off potential marriage material (though your father might disagree … he’s been trying to scare guys off for a long time). It’s just that YOU ARE OUR GREATEST TREASURE.
And since you were both tiny, little … we’ve been praying for you. And we’re kind of obsessed with you.
See? We LOVE you. And we want the BEST for you. So this list is our way of loving and protecting you. And setting y’all up for healthy marriages. And we kinda feel like if the list is too much for a guy you think you might want to marry and for some reason he doesn’t want to answer these questions, so be it. Maybe he’s not the guy for you.
Okay. Now. The other thing is if you’re too freaked to ask your fiancé (well, hopefully your pre-fiancé) yourself, your dad and I will ask him on your behalf. And the truth is even if you do ask him, we might double ask him anyway. Just because. WE LOVE YOU and HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS. If he loves you with the right kind of love, an unconditional, die-to-self love ~ this is something he should be able to do.
Let’s get started.
9 Questions to Ask Your Fiancé
1. What is your God story?
When did you become a Christian? How does God speak to you? What is your relationship with God like right now? Standard.
2. How would you describe your relationship with your mom? What about your dad?
Super important information. Every family relationship he has he will bring into your relationship. In addition, he will always be a son. And so this will impact y’all. (And may I suggest you take a hard look at his dad. Easy indicator of who he will become ~ or who he’ll strive all his life not to duplicate.)
3. How would you describe your relationship with pornography?
I know. A-w-k-w-a-r-d. But I don’t think there is a man in America who hasn’t been exposed to pornography. Sad but true. And so this must be discussed. We’re not trying to create problems in your relationship. We trying to identify where the problems already exist and bring them into the light so there can be help and healing. There is no shame in a guy saying: Yeh, I struggle with looking at porn. No shame. A lot of guys do. But gracious. For you not to know? To be in the dark? Not good. It needs to be out in the open. And I think, discussed in a counselor’s office before you get married.
4. How would you describe your relationship with the church?
This might seem like a weird question. But it’s really not. You need to know where your guy stands on church and the Church. (And he should know the difference between little ‘c’ church and big ‘C’ Church.) Your dad and I have seen far too many mamas bringing their babies to church alone. Far too many wives crying after church because their husbands don’t come. And those women feel alone. And it makes them vulnerable. I don’t want that for either of you. Ideally, your fiancé loves church. And wants it to be a huge focus in your married life. And ideally, he’ll take spiritual leadership seriously. Realizing it’s his job to lead you. Realizing it’s his job to find a church that matches your family.
5. Who is your accountability partner?
I know this sounds old school but it’s important. To whom is he accountable? Does he talk to any other males about his struggles, his triumphs, his life plans? Are there any Christian guys in his life who could call him out on his sin? Or bad attitudes? Any guys to call him out to live a bigger life for Christ? And for you? Big deal. This accountability thing.
6. How do you plan to provide for our family?
Your dad feels really strongly about this. And I appreciate that. He feels that it’s biblical for a man to provide for his family. I agree. And while we certainly don’t care if you work or have a career ~ I do think it’s extra nice when your husband’s income is plenty enough for you to stay home with future gbabies. (That would be grandbabies. Yes, I just went there. ;)
7. Do you have any habits or past experiences you feel may hinder emotional and sexual intimacy?
The purpose of this question is to allow y’all to openly discuss the things in the past that might have a hold. Or things that create shame. Because shame is an enemy of intimacy. Shame builds walls. You need that whole ‘naked without shame’ thing in marriage. And pre-marriage is the time to talk about negative habits (pornography, etc.) or experiences (most often negative experiences) that could create chaos for you both. We certainly don’t need to know about this. I urge you to discuss. But if it’s too awkward, we’ll let your dad handle this one.
8. What will be your top priorities for our family?
It’s good to know what kind of spoken or unspoken priorities he has for your family. You need to tell him yours, too. Like if you want to work, have kids, etc.
9. What can I do to help you to love God and be whole?
Always, always, always know that loving encouragement and prayer can heal anything. Everyone is broken. We’re all busted up. There is no perfect man. And the finest thing you can do for your future husband is encourage him and pray for him. We will do that too. And you need to know, there is NOTHING you or he could tell us that would shock us into thinking your relationship is beyond hope should you choose to get married. Nothing.
Whew. That was hard. But necessary.
Okay, moms … did I forget anything? Daughters, any push back?